"To the imperialist British colonizers.
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced ‘Eddinburra’ you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".
2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don’t have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as
cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires.
Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as
this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are
British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He’s a lousy actor and we don’t
want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the
weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to
make a halfway-decent film which doesn’t contain a American in the
starring role. All American characters should be ‘good guys’.
5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner".
It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university
and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way
we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant
to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags
will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of
6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have
two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which
is called football but patently isn’t real football. If it doesn’t
require 45 pounds of padding, it isn’t football. You should also stop
playing cricket. Americans can’t understand the rules. If you insist on
playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you
will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips
and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes
longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad
guys are those guys who don’t do as we tell them. They are also the
guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will
cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets
of forthcoming films are not "trailers" they are "teasers".
8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the
appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on
November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament.
You won’t be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be
situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you
will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two
coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There
is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is properly called
"camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called
9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in
order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death
traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most
of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn
right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local
county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked
abominations. You will start to eat fries – light fluffy potato in
crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you
will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance.
Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is
properly termed ‘ale’ and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for
human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers,
cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland
11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if
resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory
to sue somebody at least once per year – be inventive. It is compulsory
to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of
your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your
therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members.
You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional.
Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are
wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms
unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun
down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every
living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated."