Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

For something a bit lighter, we thought it was about time we posted this infamous "petition" celebrating the diversity between Britain and America. This is one of several versions that have been floating around the internet for years (contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t written by John Cleese of Monty Python!). We’ll post the American rebuttal soon…

"To
the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your
new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for
further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You
should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter ‘U’
will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’; skipping
the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise,
you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

You
will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not
‘zee’) and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You
will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you
can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using
the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be
no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough
to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you
learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won’t have to use bad
language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the
elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the
English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English
accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian
(Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to
understand regional accents — Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will
no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we’re talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling
it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g.
Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be
required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job
and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn
your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after
fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and
give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American
"football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie
Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football – which will no
longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most
popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played
with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You
should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of
North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball,
you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called "rounders," which is
baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or
hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require
a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8.
The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will
be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called
"Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They
are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars,
you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with
immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call ‘French fries’
are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is
beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11.
As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The
cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer
at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly
known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Gnat’s Urine," with the exception of the product of the American
Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak
Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK
will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep
calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK
will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA
will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon — get
used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues
without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult
enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

16.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation."

Advertisements

16 Responses to Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

  1. “-ize” is actually the old British spelling, and is preferred by the Oxford University Press. “-ise” is a novelty. Some other things which Britain thinks of as Americanisms are in fact old British usages which have been lost, like “gotten” as the past participle of “to get”.

  2. Why, if we were seeking to restore America to the Crown, would we wish to enforce on them continental European metric measures and abolish (British) imperial ones?

  3. TomTom says:

    Into revoking The Treaty of Paris 1783 are you ?

    Read it first

    Treaty of Paris

    so the Americans would have to live under The Treaty of Rome instead because Britain cannot bring itself to revoke that one ! LOL

  4. Da Coyote says:

    Notice of the Annexation of the former United Kingdom

    It is terribly embarrassing to admit that the majority of us Americans only recently realized that Britain isn’t actually a Dependancy of the United States of America. It seems that despite the majority opinion to the contrary, the British Isles were not, in fact, appropriated along with Australia and New Zealand after President Lincoln put down the rebellion of accented English speakers.

    Nevertheless, we Americans wish to correct our oversight before we become distracted by something else on the television. Thus, we have comprised a list of minor changes intended to bring about the ‘Americanization’ of the former United Kingdom:

    1. Having a Queen is so 18th Century- oh, and strictly unconstitutional. So we suggest that Her Former Majesty take up the occupation for which she is immanently more qualified: Bitch-slapping politicians that are too full of themselves. By the way, when she gets done setting the Isles straight, we could use her in DC.

    2. As fun as powdered wigs are, lawyers and magistrates will no longer be required to wear them. However, as it is easier to shoot a lawyer on site if one can easily identify one, we suggest that lawyers continue this tradition voluntarily.

    3. The Church of England will be re-organized as the Church of Global Warming.

    4. The Stamp Act will be replaced by all the federal taxes you’ve been skipping out on since the 1860’s. We’d send you a copy of the tax code, but Federal Express doesn’t own a ship big enough to carry it.

    5. The former United Kingdom will reinstate the Standard system of measurement. Mostly because Americans don’t know if 32 deg. C is suppposed to be hot or cold.

    6. Until further notice, American slang will be in full force throughout the Isles. Therefore, the scantily clad young female will not be referred to as the “bird”, but rather the “hot chick”. Cigarettes will be referred to as “smokes”, not “fags”. Violators will be flipped the “bird”. Oh yeah, and you will learn to say “ain’t”.

    7. That silly game with the wooden paddle will be replaced by the American sport of baseball. And since, by and large, we Americans do not like the people in Massachusetts, you can have the Boston Red Sox slot in the league. They don’t know how to play baseball anyways.

    8. In order to preserve the Union for future generations, all politicians will now be required to earn a passing grade from the Tony Blair Academy of Public Speaking before taking office.

    9. The Right Honourable The Lords Spiritual and Temporal in Parliament Assembled shall be replaced by The Assembly Of Dudes That Talk Funny. The Assembly Of Dudes That Talk Funny will not be invested with the traditional legislative powers of parliament, however the policy of the two drink minimum will be retained.

    10. Using America as a template, all the former duties and powers of parliament will now rest with the Reformed Secret Brotherhood of Stonecutters, and the Third International Guild of Public Service Workers until such time that the citizenry actually bothers to read the Constitution.

    11. And finally, in order to ensure that the degradation of the former United Kingdom keeps pace with that of the rest of the United States of America, the BBC monopoly shall be broken so that you too may suffer from American Idol, Survivor, and whatever TV broadcast Rosie O’Donnell ends up on.

  5. Da Coyote says:

    Notice of the Annexation of the former United Kingdom

    It is terribly embarrassing to admit that the majority of us Americans only recently realized that Britain isn’t actually a Dependancy of the United States of America. It seems that despite the majority opinion to the contrary, the British Isles were not, in fact, appropriated along with Australia and New Zealand after President Lincoln put down the rebellion of accented English speakers.

    Nevertheless, we Americans wish to correct our oversight before we become distracted by something else on the television. Thus, we have comprised a list of minor changes intended to bring about the ‘Americanization’ of the former United Kingdom:

    1. Having a Queen is so 18th Century- oh, and strictly unconstitutional. So we suggest that Her Former Majesty take up the occupation for which she is immanently more qualified: Bitch-slapping politicians that are too full of themselves. By the way, when she gets done setting the Isles straight, we could use her in DC.

    2. As fun as powdered wigs are, lawyers and magistrates will no longer be required to wear them. However, as it is easier to shoot a lawyer on site if one can easily identify one, we suggest that lawyers continue this tradition voluntarily.

    3. The Church of England will be re-organized as the Church of Global Warming.

    4. The Stamp Act will be replaced by all the federal taxes you’ve been skipping out on since the 1860’s. We’d send you a copy of the tax code, but Federal Express doesn’t own a ship big enough to carry it.

    5. The former United Kingdom will reinstate the Standard system of measurement. Mostly because Americans don’t know if 32 deg. C is suppposed to be hot or cold.

    6. Until further notice, American slang will be in full force throughout the Isles. Therefore, the scantily clad young female will not be referred to as the “bird”, but rather the “hot chick”. Cigarettes will be referred to as “smokes”, not “fags”. Violators will be flipped the “bird”. Oh yeah, and you will learn to say “ain’t”.

    7. That silly game with the wooden paddle will be replaced by the American sport of baseball. And since, by and large, we Americans do not like the people in Massachusetts, you can have the Boston Red Sox slot in the league. They don’t know how to play baseball anyways.

    8. In order to preserve the Union for future generations, all politicians will now be required to earn a passing grade from the Tony Blair Academy of Public Speaking before taking office.

    9. The Right Honourable The Lords Spiritual and Temporal in Parliament Assembled shall be replaced by The Assembly Of Dudes That Talk Funny. The Assembly Of Dudes That Talk Funny will not be invested with the traditional legislative powers of parliament, however the policy of the two drink minimum will be retained.

    10. Using America as a template, all the former duties and powers of parliament will now rest with the Reformed Secret Brotherhood of Stonecutters, and the Third International Guild of Public Service Workers until such time that the citizenry actually bothers to read the Constitution.

    11. And finally, in order to ensure that the degradation of the former United Kingdom keeps pace with that of the rest of the United States of America, the BBC monopoly shall be broken so that you too may suffer from American Idol, Survivor, and whatever TV broadcast Rosie O’Donnell ends up on.

  6. Paul Kohnhorst says:

    Baseball not played outside America???

    People in Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Venezuela, the entire Caribbean, and Central America will be shocked to learn that! Maybe Yanks are not the only ones who need to study the rest of the world more.

    Since you Brits will be living under Sharia law in 15 years, I suspect many of you will gladly emigrate to your colonies in America and Canada in the future.

  7. TomTom says:

    Posted by: Da Coyote | June 14, 2007 at 05:35 PM

    When Napoleon had Europe at his feet and occupied Moscow in 1812 just as Hitler attempted 130 years later………..the United States attacked British Canada and burned the city of Toronto.

    http://www.eyewitnesstohistory.com/washingtonsack.htm

    As the British army of approximately 4,000 approached, the majority of Washington residents fled the city. On August 24th American defenders, with President James Madison in attendance, were quickly routed by the invaders in a battle at Bladensburg a few miles from the city. A messenger was dispatched to the White House to warn First Lady Dolly Madison of the impeding arrival of the British. She and her staff fled by carriage across the Potomac – taking with her the full-length portrait of George Washington that had been torn from a White House wall.

    That evening, the vanguard of the British army reached Capitol Hill and began its systematic destruction of all public buildings in the city.

    When the detachment sent out to destroy Mr. Madison’s house entered his dining parlor, they found a dinner table spread and covers laid for forty guests. Several kinds of wine, in handsome cut glass decanters, were cooling on the sideboard; plate holders stood by the fireplace, filled with dishes and plates; knives, forks, and spoons were arranged for immediate use; in short, everything was ready for the entertainment of a ceremonious party. Such were the arrangements in the dining room, whilst in the kitchen were others answerable to them in every respect. Spits, loaded with joints of various sorts, turned before the fire; pots,
    saucepans, and other culinary utensils stood upon the grate; and all the other requisites for an elegant and substantial repast were exactly in a state which indicated that they had been lately and precipitately abandoned.

    Of the Senate house, the President’s palace, the barracks, the dockyard, etc., nothing could be seen except heaps of smoking ruins.”

  8. Stewart Buchanan says:

    Nice article – maybe it should include the return of the “X” on voting forms to replace the numerous incarnations of “chads” and the horrendous complications they have wrought.

  9. Da Coyote says:

    Actually JF, I’m from OreGUN (which doesn’t have a MLB team). But I’ve got a brother-in-law from Boston so it’s kinda an inside joke at his expense.

    And yes, Tomtom, I’m aware that some misguided New Englanders invaded Canada during the War of 1812 in an effort to bring all of the New World under a single American government. As for that little incident in DC, I’m willing to forgive that indiscretion because the British have proven themselves a loyal and courageous ally over the last century.

    And I still think you should send Elizabeth over here to slap some sense into Senator Kennedy.

  10. Da Coyote says:

    Actually JF, I’m from OreGUN (which doesn’t have a MLB team). But I’ve got a brother-in-law from Boston so it’s kinda an inside joke at his expense.

    And yes, Tomtom, I’m aware that some misguided New Englanders invaded Canada during the War of 1812 in an effort to bring all of the New World under a single American government. As for that little incident in DC, I’m willing to forgive that indiscretion because the British have proven themselves a loyal and courageous ally over the last century.

    And I still think you should send Elizabeth over here to slap some sense into Senator Kennedy.

  11. Da Coyote says:

    I’m sorry, I don’t really know what rounders is. Baseball or Cricket (SP?)?

    I know you folks across the pond play a ball game of some sort with a large flat wooden club only because that was Shawn’s preferred weapon in ‘Shawn of the Dead’.

    There are so many minor cultural differences across the pond. I remember a conversation with some Brits & Europeans a few years back some time around the silly season. One of the gents made a comment that he could really go for some mincemeat pie. Being from a rural area of the west coast, I vaguely understood that mincemeat pie was some form of dessert. I replied that I could really go for some chocolate icecream pie with cool whip (I don’t really care for real whipped cream) and a graham cracker crust.

    The reply from all but one of those over the pond was: “What’s a graham cracker?”

    Luckily there was a Brit online that was familiar with the foodstuff and was able to “translate” my meaning into British, as I was having a particularly difficult time describing a graham cracker to someone that not only had never eaten one, but didn’t even know what a “cracker” was.

    And don’t get me started with the ex-coworker of mine, a Brit and the blackest skinned man I have ever personally met- with the thickest Brit accent I’ve ever heard to boot, who had to be educated not to shout across the room for his friends to “pick up some fags” while at the store!

  12. winston says:

    Revoke the independence of the U.S.? Didn’t the British try that already?

  13. Galbraith says:

    How about we live as allied sovereign nations, and not as part of supra-national bureaucracies with batty policies, yea?

    And a few points:
    We’ll keep our efficient spelling ( fewer u’s)
    We’ll keep baseball
    And we’ll keep Independence Day, aka “The Fourth of July”

    But with that said:
    We should use “umm” and “like” less frequently
    We should really ditch lager. You’re quite right, it’s terrible. Ale is infinitely preferable (and to the person who thought “NEWCASTLE” was brewed in Milwaukee….ugh…. for heaven’s sake it says “IMPORTED FROM ENGLAND” on the bloody bottle!)

    As for JFK, it was Colonel Mustard in the Depository.

  14. Denis Cooper says:

    Devonshire does exist, as do Somersetshire and Dorsetshire. It’s just
    laziness to omit the suffix “shire”. However Kentshire does not exist.

  15. bundyfan says:

    I’m a St. Louisan and as such I feel obliged to stick up for my hometown beer. Budweiser isn’t just a beer it is the product of one of the great American success stories. Adolphus Busch “envisioned a national beer with universal appeal. Toward this end, he created a network of rail-side ice-houses and launched the industry’s first fleet of refrigerated freight cars. Success came when Adolphus found a method to pasteurize the beer so it kept fresh. The beer could now be shipped all over the country. He was also an early adopter of bottled beer.” So, marketers of European beer ought to show a little respect for Budweiser “The King of Beers” a product which is the best selling beer in all the world.

  16. Marianne says:

    Ah, I see it now! This is a very clever stealth maneuver to extricate the UK from that monstrosity called the European Union (aka The Greater France Project). America would be a Trojan Horse into “Europe” that would tip the balance in favor of those who revere English Law. You will find that we Americans are just as obstreperous as ever and still just as determined to fight to preserve our ancient rights and liberties. Once we have rescued our British cousins from the thrall of the continentals and restored self rule to Magna Carta nation, I’m sure Britain would be more than happy to see an independent America. You wouldn’t really want us to have proportional representation in Parliament now would you? Imagine the mischief we’d cause.

    P.S. We will never give up our guns.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: